RANSVESTIA

came "out of the closet" while I was drinking. It doesn't explain why I chose to stay out of the closet (but discreetly) when I sobered. Still, sobriety is not achieved the instant the effects of the last spell of drinking dissipate for example, 24 hours after the last drink is consumed.

―

Sobriety, my acquaintances in Alcoholics Anonymous agree, and I have found true from experience, comes gradually. The "return to sanity," as the AA members put it, takes about two years, more or less, though the period may be longer or shorter with each individual. For me, this "return to sanity" meant, among other things, losing a life- time of interest in TVism, because the emotional disturbance that stimulated it vanished during the lengthening of the period of sobriety. On the other hand, for the TV whose TVism is accepted as a normal aspect of his personality, a "return to sanity" would not change the attitude, since he does not regard his TVism as insanity.

On the other hand again, since I do believe every individual has masculine and feminine characteristics, or elements, some more of one than the other, I believe that for some, TVism is a natural expression of the feminine aspect in the male, and the masculine aspect in the female. For myself, as I said before, in other words, my TVism was an expression of a personality disorder, not of a feminine aspect of my personality. Just as the causes of happiness and unhappiness

are many, so are the causes of TVism. I know this essay does not pro- vide a complete answer to even one particular case. I do not know that my loss of interest did follow the lengthening of the period of sobriety; and the cause was a change of attitude.

Alcoholism is recognized by the medical profession and victims alike as a treacherous disease with many faces. Consequently the effects of indulgence or sobriety are difficult to interpret. For me, how- ever, drinking and practicing transvestitism were foreign to my true being, I found after searching for a long time. I can live in freedom only if I stay sober. In staying sober, I have discarded TVism. This doesn't mean discarding both frees me from all worries and solves all problems automatically. It does mean I am capable of working effectively and sensibly toward solutions to problems as they arise, instead of collapsing in panic, lying paralyzed in hopelessness, pas- sively awaiting consequences.

I know that I must stay sober to possess this capability. Whether I could possess it while practicing TVism I don't know, since the loss of

43